The Great British Summer always promises so much but often disappoints. We delude ourselves that it's going to be a hazy whirl of Pimm's, picnics and parties, when in reality we'll be lucky to get one trip to the park with a pork pie and some soggy baps. So we thought that we'd (very scientifically) compare all things summer with the joy of watching Big Brother and we came to the 100 per cent certain conclusion that BB 2014 will actually be the best thing about this summer. Here's why:
1. World Cup woes
Let’s be honest, England will last a matter of hours in Brazil this summer before sportingly bowing out on pens to Honduras in the second round. But back at home we can guarantee that good ol’ Big Brother will be with you for the duration to alleviate some of what, come July, is sure to be 58 years of hurt.
We all know what will happen. We’ll get our usual 8.3 days of great weather and then the rains will come. And when they do the housemates will be waiting to bring the sunshine back into your life (not literally).
3. Rubbish at the cinema
Like every summer the cinemas will be clogged with the latest bloated blockbuster starring Shia LeBeouf and a toy from the 80s – it will be a Rubik’s cube one day, you wait and see. And anyway the Hollywood stars have even been known to drop by the house from time to time.
Whatever happens, Wimbledon just can’t be as good as last year but this series of BB has a couple of back hand slices in the locker that will make Tim Henman choke on his strawberries. Luke S knows it.
It always sounds like a great idea but in reality Glastonbury involves watching a 70s band from a mile and a half away whilst stood in 8 inches of mud followed by a desperate search for a path to an overflowing portaloo. We advise you stay at home, where there are ample water closet facilities, and watch BB.
6. Summer holidays
Who needs ‘em? Spend two weeks on a grubby beach and come back to Blighty looking like a lobster that’s fallen into a tomato ketchup bottle. Instead, why not spend the time reclining on a cushioned chair soaking up the harmless rays of the BB house? No contest.
Is there anything worse than chilling in the garden on a lovely sunny day and then, out of nowhere, a needle with wings tries to make an unscheduled landing on your face? Well, yes, there is, but it can be ruddy annoying. The only answer is to stay indoors, seal up the windows, and enjoy BB.
8. Freshly cut grass
Everyone’s favourite summer time cliché is all well and good but does cut grass actually smell as good as, say, coffee or warm bread, or even lavender and camomile fabric softener? Not really. So why not stick the kettle on, make some toast, start the spin cycle and then settle down to Big Brother – nostrils agape.
9. The dawn chorus
Of course, we all love the sound of birdsong but when a chaffinch sits outside your window at 4am and belts out Beethoven’s Symphony no. 9 in D minor directly into your ear, it can get a touch irritating. Much better to put the ear plugs in and wait for the caramel tones of the great Marcus Bentley to waft over you like a warm summer breeze.
10. No need for a 'beach body'
Not that anyone should really take the ‘beach body’ thing seriously but you can rest safe in the knowledge that Harvey-esque push-ups or Bikram yoga are required to sit comfortably on the sofa and watch Big Brother. You can always feel confident about sitting down, so grab some chocolate biscuits and relax. It’s summer, after all!